Semi-coherent ramblings from a crazy fat chick

Same Old, Same Old!

2008-03-09T11:09:00.000-07:00

March 9, 2008

Well the scale says 249.8 today. So a tiny loss but until I get back to 246 and stay there, I won't really believe I'm past the stall. I'm not really sure what I'm doing wrong. I'm working out almost every day. Yesterday I did my Fitday and I had 2200 calories and 42 total carbs. This is normal for me. I've eaten more and still lost weight before. I don't want to have to cut my calories down really low to lose, because I don't want to slow my metabolism. Right now I eat when I'm hungry and don't eat when I'm not. I want to keep it that way. The last time I tried to reduce my calories, I obsessed about food and felt hungry ALL DAY! I've also gone down as low as induction level carbs and it doesn't help. I don't know what to do. I'm doing 67% fat which is perfect for EFGT. I really don't want to lower my fat. I've never had a problem losing on 67% fat either. So I dunno. I'm not sure if I should just keep plugging along as I have or make drastic changes. Maybe I will go get some CO today and go back to doing 3-4T of CO and see if that helps. I have some Nutiva, but I don't like the coconut flavor in my tea! So I need to get some Spectrum. One thought I have is that my body likes the weight 250 and maybe it wants to stay there a while. I haven't weighed less than 250 since 2003. The last time I got close (259) I got pregnant again and went back up! I don't know...maybe I will try cycling. I remember I had a good loss in Dec when I had a couple of cheat meals here and there. I don't want to cheat but maybe if I plan out my carbs so that they cycle, maybe it will help?

Troubling Thoughts

2008-03-09T11:07:00.000-07:00

Written March 5, 2008

Here it is 1 am and I can't sleep. Ever since Steve left I'm back to having sleeping troubles. Tonight I'm wide awake and I'm upset because I found my digital camera that was missing. It has been missing for several days. Yet tonight I opened up a drawer in the kitchen and found it in one of the places that I know I looked at least 4-5 times this week and I could have sworn it wasn't in there. So I'm either completely losing my mind, or my sweet little 3 year old took it and lied to me about not knowing where it was. And then put it back in the drawer where I could find it. Because I SWEAR that thing was not in there the last time I checked. Or maybe it was and I'm just going crazy. I really don't know. You would think finding my camera would make me happy. Sadly, it just caused more questions about my own sanity and my child's capacity for lying. In the meantime, the dvd remote is missing. Please shoot me now!

Last night I couldn't sleep because my heart was racing and I couldn't get it to slow down. I felt like I was on the verge of a full blown panic attack. Thankfully it didn't happen and I was eventually able to sleep.The night before I couldn't sleep because I kept thinking...what would happen to my poor kids if I died in my sleep...what would they do? There is no one else to take care of them, and since I don't know many people here, who would even know they needed help? Yes, I know this fear is competely irrational because I'm a healthy 34 year old who is not likely to die at any moment. But unfortunately my fears don't listen to reason sometimes.I would take a sleeping pill in the evening, but I'm afraid to do that when I'm home alone with my kids. What if Jake woke up sick at 3 am and I was too knocked out to wake up and help him? What if he woke up in the morning and he couldn't get me to wake up? I know this isn't likely either...even when I take a sleeping pill, I still wake up int he middle of the night to use the restroom. So it's not likely that one single Nytol is going to cause problems. But that doesn't stop me from worrying about it.

I talked to Steve today. He called and he is safe. I am thankful for that. I just wish I could get MY act together. I want to cry.

Workout Queen

2008-03-09T11:06:00.000-07:00

Written March 5, 2008

I'm proud of myself today! I worked out 2 times!! I did 50 minutes on the elliptical this afternoon while Xander napped. After he woke up, we went to Target and I got some 3 lb hand weights to do with aerobics. So after the kids went to bed I did a 30 minute workout with the hand weights from the Biggest Loser power sculpt DVD. I feel soooooo good right now! AND I didn't cheat today! AND TOM started so hopefully tomorrow or the next day I'll have a nice whoosh!! Let's hope!

Deployment Day

2008-03-09T11:02:00.000-07:00

Written February 25, 2008

Well, my dh left today. We took him to the pax terminal at 9:30 this morning and spent a couple of hours with him while he waited to board his plane. They all got a nice pep talk from the wing commander. We left him around 11:30 when he had to go. He will be gone at least 4 months. He's got about a 14 hour flight ahead of him today just for the first part of his trip. Fun. I hope we will be okay while he is gone. I'm used to having him gone 1-2 weeks at a time. 4 months will be a long time. I've already messed up my day today, too. I had a bunch of french fries and 3 cinnamon strusel snack cakes! GRR...after cheating last night, too. I NEED to get back on the wagon though. I don't want to go back up over 250. I want to get down to 200 by the time my dh gets home. I'm not sure if I can do it BUT it might be possible if I work really hard and stop going off plan.

Today was a good day

2008-03-09T10:59:00.000-07:00

Written February 22, 2008

Today was a good day. My dh had the day off since he's leaving next week. We went out to lunch and then we went to the mall. I wasn't planning on buying anything but I found something to buy of course! I got a tank and shirt at Old Navy for $10! I'm excited I found something at ON I can wear. I also went to Victoria's and got some new underwear! I can actually wear their underwear now!! (my dh had fun with that!). They don't have bras that fit me yet, but maybe soon. Then I went to JCPenney and bought a couple of cute nightgowns.

I stayed on plan today for the most part, but I did eat a hamburger bun and my calories were kind of high. My EFGT ratios were perfect though...67% fat, 15% carb, 18% protein! I hope I do okay on the scale tomorrow. I worked out for 45 minutes tonight!!

My menu:
B: 2 mugs chai tea with half and half, 2 egg omelette with 1 oz onions, 2 oz tomato, and 1 oz cheese, 5 strips of bacon
S: 2 oz almonds
L: hamburger WITH bun
S: 3 oz mixed nuts
D: sausage stir fry (4.5 oz hot italian sausage, 1/8 c tomato sauce, 4.5 oz yellow squash, 3 oz onions, 2.5 oz bell pepper)
s: chai tea with half and half

I ate like 2600 calories today!!!! But my calorie expenditure was 3400 so I still have a deficit.

In a funk

2008-03-09T10:56:00.000-07:00

Written Feb 19, 2008

DH is leaving in a week. And I shouldn't say how long he will be gone but it will be more than a couple of months, but less than 6 months. And I can't say where he is going, but he will be in hostile areas occasionally.

I'm in a funk right now. I've been having trouble sleeping for a few weeks now. I'm a night owl so I have a hard time going to bed early. I've been trying to go to sleep by midnight but I toss and turn. Last night I tossed and turned until 3 am. So I got up and played on the computer until 3:30 when I could finally go to sleep. The problem is my kids get up around 8-8:30 and I'm basically comatose then and I can barely function. I feel like a horrible mother because I sit on the couch and rest and doze off while they play and watch cartoons. This happens almost every day. I want to get up in the morning, make breakfast, clean my house, take care of my to do list and do fun stuff with my kids. But I don't have the energy because my sleep schedule is all messed up. And it's gotten me pretty depressed. I think I'm going to get some Unisom and take it at 10 tonight and see if I can get a decent night's sleep. Maybe a couple of good nights sleep and I can get a new routine going.

Another thing that has me down is I'm not losing weight. I started Feb at 252 lbs and I stepped on the scale this morning and it was 253. I'm staying on plan and not cheating. I'm making good choices. The weight just isn't coming off. I'm hoping and this point that if I keep at it, my body will catch up at some point and maybe I'll lose a bunch in one week with a few whooshes. Right now that's the only hope I have. I haven't given up enough to quit my WOE, because I know that's not the answer. I just wish the scale would move more. Another thing that has me down is that I'm not getting my workouts in. I came up with the great idea of working out 1000 minutes this month, but here I sit at 45 minutes still. I want to get on the elliptical everyday and reach my goal, but I don't have the energy! By the time I finally wake up after not sleeping all night, I have too much to do. And with 2 kids and a dh to take care of, I don't get much time for me. And that is only going to get worse in a week when dh leaves.

Step away from the M and Ms lady!

2008-01-27T14:27:00.000-08:00

Today's Weight: 251.6

UGH. I completely lost control last night. It started with a bite of pretzel at Target. Then it progressed to 2 ounces of corn at dinner...I thought to myself...gee I know I shouldn't eat corn, but I can handle a few extra carbs today, right?

Next thing I knew, I was reaching my hand into the giant Costco sized bag of M and Ms that my husband owns. Not once. Or twice or even three times. We're talking 5-6 BIG handfuls. I feel sick just thinking about it. Not just because of the sugar overload, but because I lost control and messed myself up. BIG time.

But I'm going back on plan today. I had about 200 carbs yesterday, I figure. Give or take a handful. Today I will keep my carbs super low and I will cross my fingers that the M and Ms won't decided to linger a few more days as unwanted houseguests on my ass.

This morning I got up and asked my dh..."You DID hide the M and Ms, right???" To which he replied, "What M and Ms???"

Right. That's why I love him.

Awesome workout!

2008-01-25T22:57:00.000-08:00

Today's Weight: 252.4 lbs

Whew, what a night! I just completed 4 HOURS of cooking and cleaning. I got up at 6:30 pm to cook dinner and after resting for a few minutes to eat, I proceeded to clean my butt off until 10:30 pm until I finally sat down!

I entered my activity into my Fitday and it said that 4 hours of general cleaning is 3.91 calories per minute. PER MINUTE!!! That's a total of 938 calories for one night of cleaning! Wow.

So who needs a gym when you have a dirty house?? Seriously! I hate having a dirty house, too. So maybe I'm on to something. I can slim down and lose weight while making my world a cleaner place to be!

Updated Pics

2008-01-18T12:12:00.000-08:00

Here are my latest pics!!! Taken around 257 pounds.

An update and other ramblings...

2008-01-18T12:01:00.000-08:00

Today's Weight: 256.2

I haven't blogged in a few days, so I thought I would check in. Since my last post, I've come back home to California and I've spent the last week trying to get myself and my kids settled in and past this nasty bug we caught. We're still not 100% better but hopefully soon.

I've been quite disappointed this week in my weight, even though I know I shouldn't be. When I left my mom's house, her scale said I weighed 254 lbs. Even though I did have a cheat meal last Sunday, I know it was not nearly as bad to cause me to weigh 259 on my own scale the next day. The problem is that I KNOW my mom's scale weighs me in at 4 pounds less. I KNOW this, and yet I still got my hopes caught up when her scale showed me a 1 pound loss almost every day that I was there. Despite the fact that I was cheating here, there and everywhere. I should have known better. It was just so nice to told what I really wanted to hear, ya know?

Now reality has set it and I am back home, where BOTH of my scales (yes, I have two!) tell me the truth. After working hard to stay on plan all week, I am back down to 256.2 and I am really hoping that soon I can see 254 FOR REAL.

I still need to work out the kinks for what my diet should be. One thing I learned while I was gone is that my diet needs to be more varied. Our bodies get used to eating the same things day in, day out and they get complacent. I don't want my body to get complacent. I want to keep it guessing and keep it burning fat at optimal levels. What that means, I don't know. I'm going to experiment some more with upping my carbs on various days.

Yesterday was an example of a different day, and not by choice. For some reason I was in binge mode yesterday. And yes, I kept track of what I ate anyway. I ate 2,900 calories!! WOW. Double WOW. Interestingly enough, I was down a pound today. Triple WOW.

Things that make you go Hmm.....

One thing I forgot to mention....

2008-01-06T08:21:00.000-08:00

Today's Weight: 256.4

W00t! Down another pound today. Amazing. Like, 5 pounds in a week. I told my mom I'm stealing her scale and taking it home to CA with me. Hers loves me more than mine does!

One thing I forgot to mention....I hit another milestone this week. I hit my pre-pregnancy weight for Alex! I was 259 lbs when I got pregnant with him in January of 2006. Um....let's home there are no suprises for me this month because I plan to keep losing!

My next goals are: 248 lbs by Valentine's day. I'm already getting very close to that! I might have to make my goal bigger! After that, I want to hit 225, which is the weight I was when I got pregnant with Jacob in July of 2003. Of course after that, I would really like to hit 200 lbs by the time Steve gets home from his deployment this summer.

Lots of goals! I better get back to work!

I don't even have time to wear out my clothes!

2008-01-06T01:06:00.000-08:00

I love the new Right Fit jeans at Lane Bryant. They fit so nicely and they have just a tiny bit of stretch to go around your curves. I wear the blue label, or "curvy" fit. The sizing is odd. Instead of doing standard sizes...14, 16, 18, etc....they do size 1, 2, 3 all the way up to size 8. Um weird, but whatever! I guess so we all feel good that we wear less than a 10? I dunno. I still realize I have a fat ass regardless of what you call the size but I digress.

Anyway, just before I started Atkins in October I bought a pair of said jeans. Size 5. They fit just fine...not too tight but not too baggy. I did realize that the "tall" was way taller than the regular talls were. These jeans don't seem to shrink like the previous Venezia line. So I had to roll those puppies WAY up in order to walk.

After starting Atkins, I quickly shrunk so much the jeans became too baggy. They were still in great shape however, since I only wore them a handful of times. I found a home for them thankfully...an online buddy who is still a few pounds heavier (for now) than me and 4 inches taller. W00t! Hopefully she will enjoy them in even less time than I did and pass them on!

After passing on the size 5 jeans, I went back in the beginning of December and tried on size 4 and 3. Size 4 fit just fine! Oh but wait.....size 3 fit too!!! Gee...which size do you think I bought?

Fast forward to today. The size 3 jeans I bought only a month ag0 (you didn't REALLY think I would buy the bigger size, right?), is now feeling loose!!! OMG WOW!!!

So I went to Lane Bryant tonight to pay my tab. (Well part of it...um...I owe them a lot...). Of course they always get me...I came out with a bag.

The best part is I tried on size 2 and they fit!! Holy cow! My dh and I were amazed and so happy. Gosh...I wonder how long it will take to get to size 1?? That's the smallest size they have.

Gee...I see a pair of Old Navy jeans in my future!!!

Oh and I also bought a fantastic red printed tee. I'm going to have dh take my pic tomorrow in my new outfit and post it on the blog.

Wow

2008-01-05T11:52:00.000-08:00

Today's Weight: 257.4

Wow.

Just. Wow.

I'm down to 257.4 today and I'm shocked. I stepped on the scale like 4 times just to make sure. But it's true. I've lost 4 pounds this week despite the fact that I've slipped up several times. I've had 4 days of 100+ net carbs, and 3 days of 30-55 net carbs. Varied of course. 2 higher carb days followed by 2 low carb days. The weight is melting off! I think my body might like the variation. I must be keeping my metabolism hopping since every day is so different. Back home I was lucky to lose 1-2 pounds a week, and I was eating the same thing everyday, almost always under 30-40 net carbs per day.

I told my mom this morning, perhaps it's time to consider the idea of eating a sweet potato once or twice a week. Or maybe adding berries back in, or some higher carb winter squash. Yeah. This could get interesting. I don't want to over-do it though and get tons of cravings. I'm going to see what happens the rest of this week before I decide.

Dedicated to my Grandpa

2008-01-03T21:52:00.000-08:00

Today's Weight: 259.6

This is a picture of my grandpa and Alex taken 6 months ago. This is how I choose to remember my grandpa. He wasn't always the easiest person to get along with, but he adored his grandchildren and great-grandchildren. Just getting a hug or a smile from them would completely make his day.

Grandpa declined quite a bit in the last 6 months. And by the time he joined his parents and siblings in heaven today, he had more than given up and become ready to go. God Bless you, grandpa, and may we meet again on the other side. Rest in Peace.

William Alvis
November 11, 1918-January 3, 2008

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Surprisingly enough...despite the sadness and stress of the day, it was a very good day for me diet wise. I've been struggling to stay on plan despite constant temptations here on vacation. New Years Day I had 3 cookies...OMG 58 carbs in one sitting! YIKES! The night before, Steve and I went to a movie and I caved and had a pretzel. I about choked when I got home, googled it and realized I'd eated 710 calories and 147 carbs!!! Yesterday we went to Casa Grande to eat at Cracker Barrel with Steve's grandparents and I caved and had hash brown casserole! 30 carbs.

GRRR!!! I'm usually really good at home. But for some reason vacation is hard. Being around stuff I wouldn't normally eat makes me lighten up on myself and cave. It's not like people are shoving this crap down my throat! I mean, really.

Well anyway...ironically enough the most stressful day of this week was my best. I had some cashews and diet coke for breakfast. Lunch was a grilled shrimp caesar salad with no croutons. Dinner was some hot wings and broccoli. A very good carb day! I hope I see some results on the scale tomorrow! If I can even maintain, that will be great.

Oh.....and the best news is that as of New Years Eve, I had reached 30 pounds lost!! That's a loss of 10 lbs in October, 8 lbs in November and 12 lbs in December! Go me!!!

My next goal is to reach 248 by Valentine's Day!

Frustration and a Resolution

2007-12-26T11:13:00.000-08:00

December 26, 2007

Today's Weight: 263

Still at 263 today. Frustrating in that I'd really like to see the scale move. I've been at this weight for a week now. However given the high calorie and high carb days lately, I think I'm fortunate to at least maintain. I need to work on getting my calories lower today. This morning I had one less slice of bacon at breakfast and cut my cheese and cream consumption in half. I guess it's a start. I need to eat as clean as possible.I've been analyzing my Fitday weight chart this morning and it seems that I always stay one weight for a week or two before having a 2-4 pound whoosh. So I know I shouldn't get frustrated. I am upset with myself however, because I noticed that just about EVERY time I had a whoosh...I had NO FITDAY FOOD LOG the day before!! So I have no way of knowing what I ate or didn't eat that made the difference and got the scale moving. So my resolution for now and the New Year is to do my Fitday food every single day...even if I cheat or go off plan. Even if I have a high carb day. I can't stick my head in the sand. If I eat it, I need to log it. There will be no other way to objectively learn what I am or am not doing to help my body burn fat.

So.

So today I'm going to eat clean, measure and log everything and try to get my body moving more. I'm going to be patient and I know the weight will come off soon.

Merry Low Carb Christmas!

2007-12-25T18:15:00.000-08:00

December 25, 2007

Today's Weight: 263

Today my husband was talking with his parents and they mentioned that in the Christmas letter they received from us last week, they noticed that I looked like I had lost weight. Dh proudly told them that I had lost 27 pounds on Atkins. YAY! It's nice to have that validation, and to know that others can see the changes in me, just like I can.

When I look at the mirror, I do see in imperfect body still. My thighs are still jiggly and I still have a flabby belly. But I'm seeing improvements that really excite me. The biggest improvement? The smile on my face, of course. Since losing 27 pounds, I have gained a new confidence and demeanor that I haven't know for quite sometime now. It's nice to feel proud of yourself again. To feel confident and proud.

The greatest Christmas present I could give myself is my own health and happiness. I am taking control of what I put in my body. I am making healthy choices to keep myself in good shape...physically and emotionally. Not only will *I* win, but my family will, too. My kids have a mommy who will live longer and be able to play with them and have the energy to keep up with them.

I thank God for helping me make good choices everyday. I am not perfect. Sometimes I blow it...like yesterday when I got carried away with the sugar free cookies and other poor choices and ended up with over 75 g of carbs!! But overall, I am making better choices and taking charge of my life and my health. For that, I am proud. The best part is now I realize that life is not all or nothing. And when you fall down, you just need to get back up. And it's okay.

Merry Christmas everyone, and have a happy low carb day!

Sickness and the Blahs

2007-12-11T14:22:00.000-08:00

Decmeber 11, 2007
Today's Weight: 264 lbs

Today I'm at a new low of 264 lbs. However, I'm not celebrating just yet. I've spent the last week or so with a stomach bug, so I've dropped about 5-6 pounds in a week just from being ill and not having an appetite. I've been eating more the last couple of days and I haven't seen a gain yet, so we will see. It will be nice if the loss would stick!! My goal for this month is to make it to 259, so this recent loss would certainly make that goal attainable.

As a result of my illness, I'm still feeling kind of BLAH toward food. It's frustrating to feel hungry and weak, and yet not really have much desire to eat. Food used to bring such joy and comfort to me and now it does not. Even low carb food just isn't as yummy anymore. I don't know if this is a side effect of ketosis, being ill, being in a rut menu-wise or perhaps plain old depression. I just don't know. I do hope it passes though. While I don't want my whole sense of happiness to be wrapped up in what's on my plate, it is nice to actually ENJOY what I'm eating!

Belated Birthday!

2007-12-11T14:13:00.000-08:00

December 11, 2007
Today's Weight: 264 lbs

Well, last week was my birthday! My 34th birthday. It really was a great day. At that point, I had a 20 pound loss and I was feeling so much more confident than I was 2 months ago. I put on a brand new sweater to celebrate the occasion and took a picture. So what do you think? Can you see a difference?? Aside from the fact that I have makeup on and my hair is done...oh and that I'm THINNER....I think you can also see a difference in my expression. I look and feel more confident and happy now.

My goal is to be at my goal weight by my next birthday.

November results, December goal

2007-12-02T11:48:00.000-08:00

Today's weight: 268.8

I'm pleased to report that as of November 30th, I weighed in at 270 lbs!!! That's 20 pounds total loss in 2 months! Although it seemed slow during that time, I really think a 20 pound loss is very nice for 2 months. That averages out to about 2 pounds per week, which is good, I think. Although I would love the weight to melt off in record time, I realize that TRUE, permanent weight loss must come more slowly to be effective. The changes made to my diet have been life-long changes in my diet, not some quick weight loss plan that I immediately go off of after reaching goal and gain the weight back. (been there, SO DONE THAT!)

While October had a total loss of 12 lbs, November was a tad slower at 8 lbs. Still respectable, however, and I'm pleased with the results.

My goal for this coming month is of course to lose more weight! But more specifically, I'm going to try to reach for an 11 pound loss.

Why 11 pounds you ask?? Why dear reader, I would be happy to tell you. An 11 pound loss will get me to the magical weight of 259.

259 may not SEEM magical. However, back in January of 2006, it was my 259 pound self that stared down the double line on an EPT test and while excited and it's meaning...fully realized that weight loss was NOT in my immediate future.

So yes, I would love to make it back to my pre-Alexander weight this month.

I would also love to make it back to size 18. Soooooo would love that! I am close enough, I think I could do it!

I might have to lay on the bed to zip the zipper though!

Keep on, keepin' on!

2007-11-28T12:02:00.000-08:00

November 28, 2007

Todays's Weight: 270.4 bls

Well I'm still here!! Still living la vida low carb, as they say. Things have been going somewhat well. I'm happy with my diet and my energy level has been amazing. I made it through Thanksgiving with flying colors!! My menu was: turkey, green beans with bacon and onions, creamed cauliflower, and I did allow myself 1/2c of sweet potatoes sweetened with brown sweet n low! Oh, and some sugar free pumpkin cheesecake...YUM~! No potatoes, no stuffing, no pumpkin or pecan pie! I know, huh? But I didn't really feel deprived. I felt empowered, actually. I had the control, not the food. This is amazing because food has been the one to have control over me for most of my life.

So here it is no, almost 2 months since I started Atkins and this blog, and I'm down ALMOST 20 lbs!! Unbelievable! Sadly, the scale hasn't moved nearly as fast as I would like it to, but what can I say? I'm greedy when it comes to weight loss! I want it off NOW! But who doesn't?

One thing that has really helped me the last couple of days, though, is writing down my food choices. For the last 2-3 weeks I hadn't been writing anything down. And I KNOW I was overindulging. On calories, on carbs, you name it. I was eating WAY too much cheese, and nuts for one thing. Just two days ago I was up to about 274. Yesterday and today I stuck to 1200-1300 calories and less than 20 carbs, and as you can see, I am down to 270.4 today! I am hoping to be in the 260s by the time my birthday comes around next week.

My overall plan is to do this the RIGHT way. The way Dr. A advised us to in his book. So for the next couple of days I will stay under 1500 cals and 20 carbs. Then I will increase my carbs by 5 grams a week until I figure out my CCLL (that's the critical carbohydrate level for losing). In English, that basically means....how many carbs can I eat and still lose weight? For everyone, it's different.

I'm in this for the long haul, as I've said before. I truly feel like this is a life-changing event for me this time. I know, I know....I've been here before, you've heard this before, right? Anyone who has struggled with their weight ALL their life like me, has BTDT. I don't know how to put it into words but I just KNOW it's different this time.

I think I'm starting to really realize and internalize how important and precious my body is, and how I need to nourish and take care of it for once in my life.

Goodbye Diet Coke...

2007-11-04T11:20:00.000-08:00

I've been drinking diet sodas for as long as I can remember. I would say AT LEAST 20 years, if not longer. I started out drinking Diet Pepsi, then switched to Diet Coke about 10 years ago. I absolutely LOVE this stuff. I use to say that I was addicted to the carbonation, since no other non-carbonated drink would hit the spot like a good Diet Coke. But I know this isn't true. Carbonated water is good, but not nearly as yummy. It isn't even the caffeine that I'm addicted to...because while I enjoy a good cold glass of caffienated iced tea, it isn't the same either.

What I've been addicted to all these years is the aspartame. This man-made substance that is in almost all of our sugar-free treats. It is a chemical. And it never really hit me how dangerous this COULD be until more recently.

Supposedly this stuff is safe, and has been proven so through research. But I dunno. I know it's HIGHLY addictive. I am living proof. And now that I have children, this little voice in the back of my head has been nagging at me to stop drinking it. What if this chemical substance gives me cancer one day? I don't want to die and not be here with my kids simply because I HAD to have my Diet Coke.

That sounds extreme, I know. But WHAT IF. I've already figured out that this chemical is keeping me from losing weight. It's keeping me out of ketosis, keeping me from burning fat, and it's INCREASING my hunger. I also believe it has been irritating my bladder. Who knows what other toxic effects it is having on my body.

So as of today, I am de-toxing my body of aspartame. It's not easy. I really don't want to give up my diet sodas, to be perfectly honest. But I really feel that if I want to be healthy and stay healthy, this is a step I need to take.

So far, so good. I am not feeling really bad, but I know the worst is yet to come. I really don't think that little white chemical is going to give me up so easily.

Operation Coconut Oil

2007-11-02T23:27:00.000-07:00

I have learned in my reading and research that extra virgin, organic coconut oil is really fantabulous stuff! It is high in saturated fat and lauric acid, which speed up your metabolism, give you energy, raise your HDL, or "good" cholesterol, and better yet...help you lose weight!!

One of the forums that I am a member of actually has a recipe for a "coconut bark," or simple candy using the coconut oil. People eating this bark report that they have lots of energy, feel full for hours, and drop weight much faster. So hell, sign me up!!

Well the first task is to find coconut oil. Since coconut oil still has a bad stigma (and wrongly so!), it is difficult to find in regular stores. After scouring the city I live in, I finally found a great grocery store called Nugget that has it in stock! (to the tune of $13.99 for 15 ounces...eeks!)
So after rounding up my necessary supplies, I set for home to blend this wonderful concoction.

Let me me honest here...the first attempt was a dismal failure. Imagine that you added some cocoa powder and sweetener to some Crisco and decided to eat that. Um....yeah.

I think the main issue though, was that I tried to use sugar free caramel DaVinci's syrup as the sweetener for this recipe and that did NOT work. The result was very bitter. Both in taste and disappointment, i might add.

The second batch was much, much better. Instead of the syrup, I used two Splenda envelopes as my sweetener. I also added a couple of drops of pure vanilla extract. The result was actually a decent flavor! However the texture still leaves something to be desired.

Tomorrow I am going to buy some natural peanut butter and add some to the mix. I'm hoping to cut the oilyness a little as well as add more bulk and flavor.

This should be interesting! Now we'll see if this actually works. Since I gave custody of my scale to my dh, I will have to wait until the end of the month before actually seeing any results on the scale.

October Results

2007-10-31T10:47:00.000-07:00

October 31, 2007
Today's Weight: 278.0 lbs

I began this journey on October 1st...31 days ago. Since then I have gone up and down a bit on the scale, seen big losses and big nothings. Overall, I have lost 12 pounds over this past month. That's not too bad, I guess. That averages out to about 3 lbs per week.

The frustrating thing for me has been seeing a fabulous 10 pound loss over the first 2 weeks, and next to nothing over the last 2 weeks. I'm not sure why that is. It's possible that I'm still going through the post induction stall. I've heard that can sometimes last a while. I had thought perhaps it was a hormonal thing, since I do remember years back that I had a hard time dropping weight in the 2 weeks post ovulation and pre-menstruation. It's possible that I'm just eating too many carbs, too many calories, or not being active enough. I do know that I'm having a difficult time getting into ketosis for some reason. One thing that has occured to me is that I am far more sedentary this time around than I was the last time I did Atkins. Back in 2002, I did not have children, but I DID have 2 jobs (both of which were on my feet all day), and I did work out in the gym everyday.

So while I am pleased with my 12 lb loss, I am eager to lose more, of course. I will continue to work hard in November, and I hope I can see some good results.

31 cheat free days so far!! This is hard, but it's worth it.

Still living in the stall....

2007-10-21T23:20:00.000-07:00

October 21, 2007
Today's Weight: 280.0 lbs

I'm still plugging along. I haven't been posting because frankly, nothing new is going on. I did have an AMAZING burst of energy last night. It was wonderful. I danced, I cleaned, I felt euphoric and energetic. I had thought perhaps this might signal a change on the scale today, but alas, it did not.

So I don't know what is going on. I do know that it is typical to experience a post-induction stall and I believe I mentioned this in my previous post. Perhaps my body is going on past experience and truly believes I will go back to my high carb-sugar loving days anyday now. Perhaps it wants to take a "wait and see" approach before letting go of a few more pounds. I can understand that. It's like a battle of wills with my body...to see who will cave first. Will it make adjustments and give up the flab, or will the scale taunt me enough to make me cry "uncle!" and dive head first into the Krispy Kremes.

Well I'm telling you this now, my dear body: I am not giving up. This is a lifestyle change for me. Even if I don't shed a single pound from now until Christmas, I WILL NOT GIVE UP. Because this way of eating makes me feel happy, energetic, satiated, and in-control.

So there.

Still Pluggin Along...

2007-10-16T22:16:00.001-07:00

October 16, 2007
Today's Weight: 280.0 lbs

I thought I would check in since it's been a few days since I posted. I'm now on day 16 of my journey and so far I'm down 10 pounds!! It definitely is not easy, but I am taking it one day at a time.

The weight is not coming off as fast this week, but I think it's normal for things to slow down in the second and third week. I am hopeful that things will pick up in the next couple of weeks, as long as I keep working hard.

Since my son is officially done nursing, I have started taking my supplements. I am taking Vitamin E wth fish oil for a healthy heart, Alpha Linolic acid to help convert glucose, chromium picolinate to aid metabolism, B Complex for energy, a bone reinforcer with Vitamin D and Calcium, and just yesterday I started Ginkgo Biloba for metal clarity (boy I hope that works!). So far my body is reacting well to the supplements. I am feeling good and I have lots of energy.

Let me just say...I'm now like a kid in a candy store at Vitamin World! I may have traded one obsession for another!

Dreary Day

2007-10-12T13:37:00.000-07:00

October 12, 2007
Today's Weight: 279.5

Today is a cold rainy day. I love it! The only downside is I would never want to venture out in this weather alone with two kids. Luckily I don't really have any place to go today. So we are having a nice lazy day inside. BTW can I just say I love dark days like this because I can ALMOST convince my kid that it's not morning yet! He believed me but he couldn't go back to sleep. Luckily he was happy to watch Noggin for an hour while I got a few more zzzz's.

I didn't post my weight yesterday because I really wasn't sure what it was. Stupid scale. I stepped on it two times. The first time it said 285 and the second time was 280. So either I had gained 2.5 pounds or lost 2.5. Whatever with that, right?

Today I just stepped on it once and got a good answer. 279.5.....WHOOOT! The weight is melting off and my shirt and pajama bottoms feel roomy today (yes, I'm still in pjs....did you not read where I said today was LAZY day?!?)

I'm feeling pretty good. I'm incredibly thirsty because of ketosis. I'm currently sucking down my 2nd 52 ounce cup of water. It's lunchtime and I'm trying to decide if I'm hungry or not.

Survey Says....

2007-10-10T14:07:00.000-07:00

October 10, 2007
Today's Weight: 282.5

Well, sigh of relief, I saw another loss today! This is exciting to actually see my scale going down every day. It has been a LONG time since I have had this pleasure! To celebrate, I downloaded some new fun songs off iTunes and I did 10 minutes on the elliptical trainer. Not much, I know, but baby steps! I know before I know it I'll be back up to an hour a day like I was in 2001.

Today I'm listening to :
Daughter by Loudon Wainwright
Believe by Suzie McNeil (featured in the show Biggest Loser)
Little Less Conversation by Elvis
Apologize by Timbaland

I've also been doing great drinking water today. YAY ME!
I'ts amazing how a success can further motivate you. The challege is keeping your chin up on bad days. Luckily today is one of the good ones though.

Overwhelming Hunger

2007-10-09T22:23:00.000-07:00

October 9, 2007
Today's Weight: 284

The thing about low carb diets is that they usually work wonders on curbing your appetite. This is one of the reasons why I am usually successful on a diet such as this (as long as I stick to it and don't cheat, of course!). Eating low fat/high carb diets just feed my insulin resistance and my cravings. I am always miserable on them. However, in my past experiences with low carb, I've experienced wonderful appetite suppression as well as astounding energy. It's like the carbs gum up my system, so to speak. Once I get rid of them, my body responds with a sigh of relief and becomes a fat burning machine!

This time around has really been no different. It's confirming my belief that I really need to eat like this the rest of my life. Now the thing is, I haven't been doing strict induction this time around. I'm eating low carb but not counting carbs. I'm eating all the protein, veggies, cheese and nuts that I want. As a result, I've had a tiny bit more hunger than I normally would have. But here's the key...it's manageable! I'm able to still make good choices when hunger hits, and not even really be tempted to cheat!

Well fast forward to today. I woke up this morning, and while my energy wasn't the amphetamine-like frenzy that I've experienced in the past....it was still very good! I set out on a daunting task this morning that I would not normally have the energy for. I sat down in Alex's room with the floor full of toys, and I completely reorganized them. I made a huge box of toys to get rid of (um....my kids have WAY too many toys!). Then I walked over to Jakes' room, which was equally trashed, and I did the same thing there. Next, I went downstairs (toys seem to find a way of walking down the stairs to annoy mommy!) and I reorganized all of those, and sent half of them packing back to their respective owner's rooms. So yes, I am proud of myself for working extra hard this morning. I did all this in addition to the normal taking care of the children stuff. (The women who read this blog will assume that, but I wanted to point that out to my husband in case he ever finds this blog!)

After Alex woke up from his nap, we went out to Wal Mart to get some essentials. When we came back around 4:30......well this is where I stop rambling and actually get to the point I'm trying to make today! I sat down at the computer to check my email and I was hit with just a ravenous hunger. I felt like a wild animal that just needed to FEED! I ate some nuts. Nothing. I ate some beef jerky. Nothing. Two sticks of strings cheese. Well, I felt a little less animal like. Now I was just plain hungry. I finally decided to make my dinner early around 6:30, and it was then that I finally felt satisfied.

Soooooo. We will see how this affects my weight tomorrow. Will I have a loss after all that work? Or will I have a gain after my feeding frenzy tonight? I can't wait to see. Regardless of what happens, I'm still proud of myself for hanging tough and not cheating.

Here's to Breakfast!

2007-10-08T09:52:00.000-07:00

October 8, 2007
Today's Weight: 284

Today the high number in the magic scale game show was 284! That's pretty good, I think! I was tempted to post the lower amount as usual but I know not to rush these things.

This morning was a challenge for me. It's so hard to try to train yourself to eat a whole new way. After 33 years, I've established so many habits, and they are very hard to break. Before now, I would wake up and grab a pop tart, bagel, waffles, etc for breakfast. Of course I can't eat any of those now. Perhaps later on I can try high fiber cereal, but it's too early in the game for that, unfortunately. I still have about 150 pounds to go....yikes, huh?

The problem is that I'm too tired and lazy in the morning to prepare a proper breakfast. Today I grabbed some string cheese and an ounce of nuts. That kept me satisfied for only an hour, unfortunately. Then hunger set in again. So I tried some dried beef jerky. That did nothing for me. Finally, I broke down and made some scrambled eggs. I finally feel satisfied! Thank goodness. The good news is that once I make it through breakfast, I can generally go the rest of the day. Breakfast truly IS the most important meal of the day, because for me it fills me up and helps me stay on plan and resist temptation the rest of the day. I figure I got off to the right start, I need to keep going and not mess it up!

I know I'm going to have to work hard at this and not only come up with new breakfast recipes, but also the energy to make them. But one day at a time, right?

Now I'm off to drink my water!

How did I get here? Pt. 2

2007-10-06T08:56:00.000-07:00

October 5, 2007
Today's Weight: 285 lbs.

Well it looks like my scale has redeemed itself! I guess the threat of sending it to sleep with the fishes worked! Funny thing though...I can step on it 3 times in a row and it will give me 3 separate weights. Sometimes drastically different too. Like it's playing with me and I'm a contestant on some insanely cruel, yet funny weight loss show. I usually take the weight in the middle or the highest one. Call it the realist in me. No need to believe the lowest number and then set my self up for disappointment tomorrow, right? So I figure if I go with the higher number maybe I can have a loss tomorrow too. At any rate, I've lost about 5 pounds in the last few days. Though it may all be water weight, it still feels wonderful to see the scale going DOWN instead of up.

Well back to my story for those of you who care. When I left off the other day, I was talking about my weight history and how obesity has been a demon I have struggled with for almost my entire life.

After high school graduation, I went off to college to study education and become a teacher. Like I said before, I was probably a size 16 or so after high school, but that soon changed after I went to college. I decided to live in the dorms my first year, even though my parents lived only 5 miles away. I know, funny huh? But I got a great experience living on campus. First of all, the mess hall was FABULOUS. I got up every morning and just had a huge breakfast before class: eggs, bacon, sausages, potatoes....you get the idea. That combined with the pizzas, fast food and sedentary study life really caused me to pack on the pounds. Before I knew it, I was a size 18....and then a 20. Definitely a disappointment.

My next turn around came right around my sophmore year of college. I got over the whole novelty of living on campus and moved back home to save cash. Mooching off your parents is much easier when you live at home! Around that time, my mom encouraged me to join her at Weight Watchers. I was ready to take control of my weight again, so I did. Let me tell you, Weight Watchers is HARD! My personal kudos to anyone who can stay on it and succeed. I've since tried it again post-children and I just could NOT do it. I was starving most of the time I was on WW. I'm a carb addict and the tiny amount of carbs WW allows just sabotage me, because I eat them and then get insane cravings for more. Now back then it was before they started doing the points thing. You had to measure all your food and then check off boxes for each serving you ate. After all your boxes were checked, you better hope you weren't hungry anymore because you were DONE. I think I had about 7-8 boxes for breads. Oh how I treasured those sweet little squares on my chart. I'm still amazed I managed to lose about 60 pounds. I was VERY determined. By the time I quit WW, I was a size 12 and I felt just insanely beautiful. I mean, even then I wasn't at my goal weight, but it didn't matter so much that I wasn't a size 6 again. I was content and happy with my success and I felt great.

It was right around this time that I met my ex-husband. I know...yikes. If I'd only known then what I know now. You know, it pisses me off that once you lose weight, you get far more attention from men. It happend in high school, and it happen this time too. Once you lose weight, men who previously barely gave you a glance are now suddenly VERY interested. Losting weight truly does tell you who loves you for you, and who just loves your ass. Which makes me love my dh even more, because I'm 90 pounds fatter now than when I met him (and trust me....I wasn't all that skinny then either!). Yet he says he still loves me and finds me attractive. Well that's what he says anyway. Hmph.

With Anger Comes Determination

2007-10-03T22:58:00.000-07:00

October 3, 2007
Today's weight: 294

Men suck. So do scales.

I'm back at home now. I spent the weekend in Arizona at my mom's house. Apparently her scale likes me better than mine does.

Today I hit the diet hard. It was a rough day, made even harder by the fact that I'm thoroughly pissed at my husband. I'm not even going to get into details on that one.

So starting a new diet sucks ass. I'm starving all day. But I was successful. I didn't really eat all that much during the day because honestly I was too pissed off and depressed to eat. For dinner I made a great choice and I'm proud of myself--I bought McDonald's for the family and for once I chose the grilled chicken salad. GO ME!

One thing I've discovered over time is that my mood really affects my willpower and my appetite. When I'm tired, happy, bored or stressed out, I want to eat. I'm a champion comfort eater.

When I'm depressed and sad, I don't have the desire to eat. Which leads me to wonder if all this is really worth it. Do I want to be happy or do I want to be thin? Can I find the way to be both?

Another mystery of the universe.

Let's hope my scale loves me better tomorrow, or I'm shipping it to my mom for an attitude adjustment.

How did I get here?

2007-10-01T10:10:00.000-07:00

October 1, 2007
This morning's weight: 288 lbs

For the most part, I have struggled with my weight ALL of my life. Don't get me wrong...I wasn't a fat kid. I look back on my childhood and honestly, I was pretty normal for most of it. I ate what I wanted when I got hungry and perhaps I was a little pudgy at times, but certainly not fat enough that kids would tease me or anything. I remember being pretty active and happy. I didn't really start to verge into the overweight side of life until 5th or 6th grade. Around that time I noticed I was a size or two higher than the other girls. But that was that...it didn't really start to affect me negatively until junior high. By the time I was in 8th grade, it was definitely obvious. I was a size 14 and my peers were much, much smaller. By the time I went shopping for my 8th grade graduation dress (not a pleasant task by the way), I was definitely sporting much more pudge than I needed and completely miserable about it.

My first venture into weight loss came during the summer between 8th grade and high school. I think looking back at the pictures of my graduation, it just really hit me that I wanted to be someone other than who I was. I wanted to go to high school as the beautiful smart girl...not the smart, fat girl with a pretty face.

So that summer I dieted pretty hard. I don't remember too many specifics about my diet...just that it was pretty restrictive. Despite the fact that it was my first time dieting...or perhaps because of it? I had AMAZING willpower. I remember putting food on my plate and that was IT. I knew I would eat that and only that. And that's what I did. No candy, no snacks. It's odd how determined and possessed I really was. Obsessive maybe? I know that the exersize I did during that time was certainly obsessive. I would put on my walkman and ride my bike for 1.5 hours every day. I would weave in and around all the streets around my house...so that I could go miles and miles in that 1.5 hours without actually leaving the 1 mile radius of my house.

By the time I started school in the fall, I believe I had dropped at least 25 pounds or so. I remember all my peers doing a double take when they saw me. I got an unbelieveable amount of attention. So of course this encouraged me and I continued to diet through the new school year.

With classes and activities, I now had less time to devote to my bike riding. Although I still did it, I had considerably less time to do it. So to compensate, I remember that I started eating even less. I would basically go hungry during different times of the day. Anorexic much? Towards the end of this phase, I know my mother was about to give me the "I think you're anorexic" talk. She told me this much later of course. I was 130 pounds and a size 6. You could see my collar bones and the bones sticking out of my shoulders. I LOVED it.

Of course, most of us know that you can't maintain an extreme diet or lifestyle forever. So eventually the pendulum had to swing the other way. Sometime around my sophmore year, the pounds started to creep back up as I started to eat more and more and get busier with school. By the time I graduated high school, I was back up to a size 14/16. Grossly fat, NO, but overweight, YES. A far cry from the self-confident and happy size 6 freshman four years before. It was discouraging.

This, of course, would be the first major upset of many over the course of my life. As will become evident in this and later blogs, I am a champion yo-yo dieter. Although the problem is that as I have aged, I've become less of a champion and more of a has-been.

I'm going to stop at this point and say TO BE CONTINUED.......

Tomorrow I'm going to talk about that freshman 15....err, 30 pounds that found me in college. Oh that should be fun! I love a good story...don't you?

Here I Am

2007-10-01T00:30:00.000-07:00

October 1, 2007

Here I am: 34 years old and 290 pounds of me. I have no idea how I got here. Well, actually I do know. But I chose to look the other way, I suppose. For most of my life, I've found that if you don't glance in the mirror as you walk by, you can maintain the fantasy that you are not fat.

You know how you are going along nicely, living your life with the illusion that you aren't THAT fat? You look in the mirror everyday and you generally like what you see. Your clothes that used to fit that are now tight...well they must have shrunk in the dryer, right? And then one day...BOOM... you are hit with a picture of yourself where someone caught you off guard and you couldn't suck in your gut and lift your head to hide your double chin, and you think...WTF...who the hell is THAT?? When in the world did I get FAT??? The proof is undeniable. Because the proof is forever memorialized on Kodak's finest....and Kodak doesn't lie.

Well I'm past that point. Now when I look in the mirror, I actually DO see a fat person looking back at me. And that is truly sad. But I suppose it's a good thing, because now perhaps I can truly take the blinders off and see things how they really are. I am fat, and I need to do something about it. I need to make a drastic change if I want to live. I want to see my precious boys grow up and become men. I don't want to keel over at the age of 40 and leave my little guys without their mommy. How selfish would that be?

And speaking of selfish...I'm tired of walking around, living my life and trying to pretend that people aren't revolted when they look at me. If you are fat, you know what I'm talking about. The look people give you when they look down on you. Because you are fat, so obviously you are a gluttonous pig with no self control.

I want to be beautiful again, like I used to be. I want people to look at me and say, "wow, she's gorgeous." I want to look at myself in the mirror and love who I am. To be proud of who I am. I want people to look at me and see ME. The person I am inside, and not the huge, almost 300 pound lard ass that I am.

That's not to much to ask, right?

I have no idea how I'm going to do this.