Here I Am

October 1, 2007

Here I am: 34 years old and 290 pounds of me. I have no idea how I got here. Well, actually I do know. But I chose to look the other way, I suppose. For most of my life, I've found that if you don't glance in the mirror as you walk by, you can maintain the fantasy that you are not fat.

You know how you are going along nicely, living your life with the illusion that you aren't THAT fat? You look in the mirror everyday and you generally like what you see. Your clothes that used to fit that are now tight...well they must have shrunk in the dryer, right? And then one day...BOOM... you are hit with a picture of yourself where someone caught you off guard and you couldn't suck in your gut and lift your head to hide your double chin, and you think...WTF...who the hell is THAT?? When in the world did I get FAT??? The proof is undeniable. Because the proof is forever memorialized on Kodak's finest....and Kodak doesn't lie.

Well I'm past that point. Now when I look in the mirror, I actually DO see a fat person looking back at me. And that is truly sad. But I suppose it's a good thing, because now perhaps I can truly take the blinders off and see things how they really are. I am fat, and I need to do something about it. I need to make a drastic change if I want to live. I want to see my precious boys grow up and become men. I don't want to keel over at the age of 40 and leave my little guys without their mommy. How selfish would that be?

And speaking of selfish...I'm tired of walking around, living my life and trying to pretend that people aren't revolted when they look at me. If you are fat, you know what I'm talking about. The look people give you when they look down on you. Because you are fat, so obviously you are a gluttonous pig with no self control.

I want to be beautiful again, like I used to be. I want people to look at me and say, "wow, she's gorgeous." I want to look at myself in the mirror and love who I am. To be proud of who I am. I want people to look at me and see ME. The person I am inside, and not the huge, almost 300 pound lard ass that I am.

That's not to much to ask, right?

I have no idea how I'm going to do this.