Troubling Thoughts

Written March 5, 2008

Here it is 1 am and I can't sleep. Ever since Steve left I'm back to having sleeping troubles. Tonight I'm wide awake and I'm upset because I found my digital camera that was missing. It has been missing for several days. Yet tonight I opened up a drawer in the kitchen and found it in one of the places that I know I looked at least 4-5 times this week and I could have sworn it wasn't in there. So I'm either completely losing my mind, or my sweet little 3 year old took it and lied to me about not knowing where it was. And then put it back in the drawer where I could find it. Because I SWEAR that thing was not in there the last time I checked. Or maybe it was and I'm just going crazy. I really don't know. You would think finding my camera would make me happy. Sadly, it just caused more questions about my own sanity and my child's capacity for lying. In the meantime, the dvd remote is missing. Please shoot me now!

Last night I couldn't sleep because my heart was racing and I couldn't get it to slow down. I felt like I was on the verge of a full blown panic attack. Thankfully it didn't happen and I was eventually able to sleep.The night before I couldn't sleep because I kept thinking...what would happen to my poor kids if I died in my sleep...what would they do? There is no one else to take care of them, and since I don't know many people here, who would even know they needed help? Yes, I know this fear is competely irrational because I'm a healthy 34 year old who is not likely to die at any moment. But unfortunately my fears don't listen to reason sometimes.I would take a sleeping pill in the evening, but I'm afraid to do that when I'm home alone with my kids. What if Jake woke up sick at 3 am and I was too knocked out to wake up and help him? What if he woke up in the morning and he couldn't get me to wake up? I know this isn't likely either...even when I take a sleeping pill, I still wake up int he middle of the night to use the restroom. So it's not likely that one single Nytol is going to cause problems. But that doesn't stop me from worrying about it.

I talked to Steve today. He called and he is safe. I am thankful for that. I just wish I could get MY act together. I want to cry.